All along people have been giving me horror stories of remodeling their homes: "My husband and I almost got a divorce over door handles, you will never make as many decisions in your life as when you are working on your house, remodeling is a disaster, this will be one of the hardest things you will ever do," and the list goes on... and all along I have been saying I am really enjoying the process. It is so much fun. I love this stuff, I am really not feeling that stressed at all, I just take it one step at a time.
Well yesterday it happened... I finally cracked into mass hysteria. I had a full-on major meltdown... the ugly cry came out. "The stairs are too narrow, the window is too big, the kitchen isn't done!" My emotions were all over the board, my emotions ranged from "I am ruining it," to an even further low, to dare I say I don't even think I like this house anymore. I was in a hard place.
I was in that place when you go to clean out your closet and 4 hours later your closet and now your room look so much worse than when you started, and you think you will never ever see the floor of your room again, much less your closet. That is where I was. Everything felt so so messy, so unconnected, so absolutely frustrating. I needed to get to that hard place to see what actually needed to still be done. The place when you feel the most undone is actually when you are really able to see the most clearly.
Hard places help us remind us of truth. My identity is not in this house. This is just a house and a house that will be used for the Lord's glory and not my own. Eventually we will have floors and walls and the kitchen will get sorted out.
Hard places give us perspective. This is an amazing opportunity. We are blessed to be able to have a house to remodel. It is something I really do enjoy and love doing.
Hard places remind us to trust. Trust that this is the place that the Lord has for us with all of its quirky step-downs and nooks. Trust that the Lord has a plan in this. Trust that the Lord is in control of this. My heart wants to hold tightly to it, to always do it my own way, and yet the Lord continues to remind me that this is His. And to trust him with it.
As I woke up today I thought and prayed over some of these things and my heart was ready. Ready to embrace the messiness. The messiness of picking flooring and tiles, redoing the kitchen layout for the 200th time, picking windows, and really embracing that the farm is the Lords. That I will need to hold an open hand with it and I need to let the Lord continue to lead me.
Today felt like redemption in a small way. As I drove down the dirt road and saw the messiness at the farm, my heart fell a little more in love with it. Because hard pushes us to fight a little harder for things we love.
